New Kid
by Rio Madeira
Summary: In an attempt to help the overwhelmed staff, Michael agrees to hire a new salesperson. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam try to figure out if Andy ever gets sick of talking about Cornell. Fictional episode between Money and Local Ad.
1. Like Dory

NOTE: The song Andy sings in the cold open is "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins. You may recognize it from _Top Gun._

**COLD OPEN**

INT. BREAK ROOM. DAY.

In the corner, DARRYL and KELLY are sitting and cooing to each other. JIM pulls a can of soda out of the vending machine. He cracks it open just as he hears ANDY's voice singing from inside the men's room.

ANDY  
"Highway to the . . . _danger zone_! Right into the . . . _danger zone_!"

JIM rolls his eyes.

JIM  
Wow, Andy, you're such a good singer.

A flush is heard and ANDY sticks his head out of the doorway.

ANDY  
Ya think?

JIM  
Yeah, uh, where did you learn to sing again?

ANDY steps out of the bathroom, laughing as he zips up his pants.

ANDY  
Tuna . . . you _do_ know that I went to Cornell, right? Sang in the a cappella group?

JIM snaps his fingers.

JIM  
Oh, right! Y'know, I keep forgetting that. I think I have some kind of short-term memory loss.

KELLY  
You mean like Dory?

JIM  
Exactly!

ANDY  
Mmmm. Sucks to be you, dude.

JIM  
Yeah, I know. Hey, do you think you could keep reminding me of that throughout the day? I really want to remember that you went to . . . uh . . .

ANDY  
Corrrrrrrnell! Glad to be of service, Tunes.

He claps JIM on the shoulder and exits the break room.

**TALKING HEAD – JIM**

JIM  
Oh, believe me, I remember. But Pam is convinced that Andy will never get tired of mentioning Cornell. If she's right, I have to dance in public. If she's wrong, she has to make me breakfast in bed for a week. That's fair, right?

**OPENING CREDITS**


	2. One New Person Ruins Everything

**SCENE 1**

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY.

MICHAEL is seated at the head of the table with his head in his hands. The sales staff (JIM, DWIGHT, ANDY, STANLEY, and PHYLLIS) and PAM, who is taking notes, is seated around the table. MICHAEL lets out a heavy sigh before speaking.

MICHAEL  
The problem: Sales are down.

DWIGHT  
Do you have evidentiary support for this claim, Michael?

MICHAEL  
You know, Dwight —

He scowls before ripping a page out of PAM's notebook, much to her surprise. He scribbles on it hastily and holds it up for everyone to see. It is a box with a downward-pointing arrow in it and a heading that says "SALES."

MICHAEL  
Here! Now, the problem is that sales are down. Would anyone like to tell me why?

PHYLLIS  
Because two of our salespeople are gone? Karen and Ryan?

MICHAEL  
Well, Ryan doesn't count — his were never up. That's what she said. But, _Jim_, I hope this teaches you never to dump another co-worker ever again!

JIM  
Trust me, Michael, I won't.

He squeezes PAM's hand under the table. They exchange a loving smile.

MICHAEL  
The point is, now that our sales crew is down to five, all of you will have to work much harder to get clients. I really don't want to have to whip you into it. No offense, Stanley.

STANLEY  
Why would _I_ be offended, Michael?

MICHAEL  
Uh . . .

**TALKING HEAD – STANLEY**

STANLEY  
Michael likes to say that he's race-blind. Most of the time, it's more like race-dumb.

**END TALKING HEAD**

MICHAEL  
Andy, you're the Regional Director In Charge of Sales. I expect _you_ to lead your squad to victory.

ANDY  
No problemo, Mistah Scott. Leadership was an essential part of my education . . . at Cornell.

He winks at JIM obnoxiously.

PHYLLIS  
You know, Michael, maybe we ought to hire a new salesperson. It would let us focus on the clients we already have.

The other SALESPEOPLE make murmurs of agreement, except for DWIGHT, who looks slightly horrified.

**TALKING HEAD – DWIGHT**

DWIGHT  
The last thing Dunder-Mifflin Scranton needs is more new people.

Cut to a shot of ANDY flirting with ANGELA as DWIGHT looks on in fury.

DWIGHT (VO)  
Though most of the Stamford transfers have left, one new person is enough. One new person ruins _everything_.

**END TALKING HEAD**

MICHAEL nods slowly.

MICHAEL  
OK, Phyllis, not a bad idea.

PHYLLIS smiles proudly.

PHYLLIS  
I was thinking that maybe we could give a part-time sales position to a college student.

MICHAEL  
_Not_ not a bad idea! Phyllis, I know it's been a _really_ long time since you went to college, but even you should know how crazy people get there! They'll turn this office into a pot-smoking, beer-drinking, heavy-metal-playing, ramen-eating, orgy-having house of _doom_!

JIM  
Geez, Michael, where did _you_ go to college?

ANDY  
Bet it wasn't Cornell, where _I_ went to college.

PHYLLIS  
Michael, one of our clients has a 19-year-old daughter who works as a receptionist in their office. She's very sweet, she'd like to get involved in sales, and she goes to Penn State.

PAM  
She does?

STANLEY  
That's impressive.

MICHAEL  
But — !

PHYLLIS  
And she's never smoked anything in her entire life.

MICHAEL sighs impatiently.

MICHAEL  
OK, fine, talk to her. But don't blame _me_ when you wake up one morning slumped over your desk and your hair is blue!

He storms out of the office.

**TALKING HEAD – MICHAEL**

MICHAEL  
No, I never did any of that stuff in college. Other people did. That's what they _told_ me happened at their parties . . . which they never invited me to.

**END TALKING HEAD**


	3. No Place for a Teenager

NOTE: I'm sure some of you will question why I made Phyllis call Karen "neurotic about men." Well, would _you_ stay with a guy who loved someone else?

**SCENE 2**

INT. PHYLLIS, ANDY, AND STANLEY'S AREA. DAY.

PHYLLIS is on the phone, presumably talking to the girl she mentioned.

PHYLLIS  
Hi, Laurie, this is Phyllis Vance from Dunder-Mifflin. (beat) Oh, I'm good . . . (beat) Oh, yes, Bob's good, too, of course.

STANLEY rolls his eyes.

PHYLLIS  
How about you? (beat) Oh, that's good to hear. Listen, you remember how you once mentioned to me that you'd like to try your hand at my job? (beat) Well, no, _I'm_ not leaving . . . but two of our other salespeople left and we're all swamped, so I recommend you to our boss, and — (beat) Yes, the one who grilled his foot. Anyway, he said that I could call you in for an interview, if you're still interested. (beat) You are! Can you be here tomorrow at 3:30? (beat) Great! I'll see you then. (beat) Sure thing. Bye.

She hangs up.

**TALKING HEAD – PHYLLIS**

PHYLLIS  
Oh, yes, Laurie is a very nice girl. She kind of reminds me of Karen . . . just not as neurotic about men.

**END TALKING HEAD**

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE. DAY.

MICHAEL paces the office while DWIGHT sits passively in front of his desk.

MICHAEL  
Dwight, what are we going to do? This office is no place for a teenager. We need people with _maturity_. Like me! ME!

DWIGHT  
Phyllis said she was 19.

MICHAEL  
She'd still need a fake ID, right?

DWIGHT  
Well, I don't think it's a completely ridiculous thing to do. It's better than hiring _another_ man our age.

MICHAEL  
_Why_?

DWIGHT  
Um . . . because he might be competition for you with Jan?

MICHAEL  
Oh, good point. Can't have that. But couldn't we just ask for ugly people in our job posting?

DWIGHT  
I think that's discrimination.

MICHAEL  
Oh, you're right. But that's too bad. Maybe then we'd have a hot female accountant instead of Angela.

DWIGHT silently tightens his lips.

INT. RECEPTION DESK. DAY.

ANDY pauses at the desk and brandishes a sheet of paper toward PAM.

ANDY  
Hey, Pamlet, think you can shred this?

PAM  
Sure, Andy.

She takes the paper and slides her chair over to the shredder.

ANDY  
_Gracias, señorita_! I'd do it myself, but we _Cornell grads_ have lots of important stuff to get done. Hear that, Tuna?

JIM  
Sorry, Andy, what did you say?

ANDY  
I said that we _Cornell grads_ have more important things to do than shred paper.

JIM  
Oh. That's cool.

ANDY returns to his desk. After putting the paper through the shredder, PAM walks over to JIM's desk and sits on the edge.

PAM  
Well, that's the 13th time today.

JIM  
No, that was the 14th. He brought it up again when he was telling me how much better it was than Penn State.

PAM  
So, I was thinking that I'd burn "Superfreak" onto a CD and play it while you dance in a pink Speedo on the roof of the building.

JIM  
And _I_ was thinking that blueberry pancakes and bacon would make a delicious bed-bound breakfast. Also, I take my coffee with two sugars and some of that hazelnut creamer, and don't forget the little rose on the tray.

PAM  
Ha! You are _so_ going down, Halpert.

JIM  
What, don't you want to make me breakfast?

PAM smiles coyly.

PAM  
There are other things I'd like to do for you in the morning.

She walks back to the reception desk. JIM lets out a long breath.


	4. The Upcoming Coolification of the Office

**SCENE 3**

INT. OFFICE. DAY.

MICHAEL steps out of his office, wearing a backwards baseball cap.

MICHAEL  
Everyone, conference room, two minutes.

He calmly enters the conference room. EVERYONE stares after him blankly.

**TALKING HEAD – MICHAEL**

MICHAEL  
I was having trouble figuring out where to keep all of my various hats, so I bought a small armoire to store them in and put it in my office so I can have them ready at a moment's notice. You never know when I might have to become Humphrey Bogart —

He holds up a fedora.

MICHAEL  
Or Dr. Seuss —

He holds up a floppy red-and-white-striped hat.

MICHAEL  
Or Dwight.

He holds up a tinfoil hat.

**END TALKING HEAD**

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY.

EVERYONE is seated while MICHAEL stands at the front of the room.

MICHAEL  
I know what you're thinking. "Why is Michael wearing his hat like that?"

ALL  
Why is Michael wearing his hat like that?

MICHAEL  
Excellent question. It's because I am on a mission to make this office cool.

KELLY  
Yay!

MICHAEL  
Now, at first, I was a _teense_ skeptical about the idea of hiring a 19-year-old to work here, but then I thought, "Well, why not? This will give us a good reason to freshen up the place!" So, starting tomorrow morning, every day will be Casual Friday. Which means that, Pam, I want to see you wearing a halter top.

PAM  
But I don't wear —

MICHAEL  
Stanley, I want you to braid your hair and wear a giant basketball jersey.

STANLEY  
I'd really rather —

MICHAEL  
And Angela . . . well, you don't have to bother coming in tomorrow.

ANGELA narrows her eyes at him.

CREED  
Should I bring in some kind bud, Michael?

MICHAEL  
No, Creed, don't bring your friends. We don't need that many old people.

CREED nods in agreement.

**TALKING HEAD – CREED**

CREED  
I got a sweet deal on a Halloween surplus of ganja from my connection in Bogota. It's quite a bit more potent than the crap you find in Pittsburgh, but I was able to handle that _and more_ at the age of _17_, so I don't expect this kid to be too far behind.

**END TALKING HEAD**

MICHAEL  
Furthermore, Darryl, I want you and the other warehouse guys to work in roller blades. Them and Fudge.

DARRYL  
Her name is Madge, and that's a safety risk, Michael.

MICHAEL  
Also, I'm placing a moratorium on the word "safety." That isn't cool. No, no — that _ain't_ cool.

JIM  
Do you also expect us to have beer on tap?

MICHAEL  
Actually, I didn't think of that, but that's an _awesome_ idea.

MEREDITH  
_Yes_!

DWIGHT  
Michael, I respectfully oppose the upcoming coolification of the office.

MICHAEL  
And _you_ can teach us all how to play Second Life.

DWIGHT  
I am _so in_.


	5. Don't Do Anything New

**SCENE 4**

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE. DAY.

MICHAEL is sitting at his desk, still wearing the backwards baseball cap, talking into the speaker-phone. PAM is sitting in front of the desk.

MICHAEL  
Ryan, ma brotha!

RYAN (OS)  
What is it, Michael?

MICHAEL  
Listen, dude, do you know what music is . . .

He squints at a piece of scrap paper.

MICHAEL  
. . . off the hook right now? We need to maximize the awesomeness of Dunder-Mifflin Scrantizzon before tomorrow, ya know what I'm sayin'?

RYAN  
. . . Michael, what are you trying to do?

MICHAEL  
Just trying to get down with the youth of the nation, man.

PAM rolls her eyes.

PAM  
Ryan, we're interviewing a college student for a sales position tomorrow, and Michael wants to make the office comfortable for her.

RYAN  
OK. Michael, you have to maintain a professional attitude in the office, or your employees won't respect you.

MICHAEL  
What? That is _wack_!

RYAN sighs.

RYAN  
I mean it, Michael. Don't do _anything_ new. _Anything_. _At all_.

MICHAEL chews on his bottom lip on aggravation.

MICHAEL  
Whatever you say, dinkin' flicka.

He presses a button on the phone.

**TALKING HEAD – RYAN**

RYAN  
I've always thought I was somewhat more mature than most people my age. If Michael is any indication, I'm more mature than most people his age, too.

**END TALKING HEAD**

INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S AREA. DAY.

JIM is typing at his desk. His phone rings and he picks it up.

JIM  
Jim Halpert.

ANDY  
Tuna! You wanna come over tonight and watch the Cornell-NYU game? I've gotta be there to cheer on my team, which is Cornell, where I went to college.

JIM  
Sorry, Andy, but Pam and I are driving up Montage Mountain so she can draw.

He holds up one finger in the direction of the reception desk.

ANDY  
Oh, the ol' ball-and-chain gettin' you down? That's why I never had a girlfriend at Cornell, where I went to college. I needed time to do my thing.

JIM  
Oh, _that's_ why.

He holds up another finger.

ANDY  
Yeah, it's too bad, 'cause there were plenty of hotties at Cornell, where I went to college, wanting to get a piece of the Nardman.

JIM  
_Really_.

He holds up a third finger.

ANDY  
Well, have fun with your woman, while I throw my support behind the team from Cornell, where I went to college.

JIM  
Got it, Andy. Later.

He hangs up and holds up a fourth finger. At the reception desk, PAM is holding up a small whiteboard. She erases the number 34 and writes the number 38 in its place. She nods cockily at JIM, who sticks his tongue out at her.


	6. Dunder Trouble Mifflin

NOTE: For those who don't know, "DDR" is _Dance Dance Revolution. Newport Harbor_ is a _Laguna Beach_-type show, only much stupider, on MTV. All the names mentioned by Kelly are characters from that show.

**SCENE 5**

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY.

ANGELA, PAM, KELLY, PHYLLIS, and MEREDITH are seated around the table.

ANGELA  
Why do we even have to be here? We're not having a party.

KELLY  
_Because_ Michael said that we had to make the office cool, and which other committee is going to do that?

ANGELA  
In that case, Kelly, I'm appointing _you_ the head of the newly formed Office Cool-Making Committee, which will be composed of you, Pam, Meredith, and Phyllis. Congruently, I will be resigning from the Office Cool-Making Committee.

She abruptly leaves the room. KELLY puts on the biggest smile we've ever seen.

**TALKING HEAD – KELLY**

KELLY  
This is awesome! I have _so_ many ideas! First, we're going to put an aroma bar in the break room, and then we're going to put a giant big-screen TV over the reception desk so we can watch _Newport Harbor_, and then we're going to put a DDR machine over where Toby sits, and then —

**TALKING HEAD – ANGELA**

ANGELA  
After bolting out of the conference room and informing everybody of her plans, Kelly was immediately fired from her post as head of the Office Cool-Making Committee, and Michael took her place. Unfortunately, she maintains her position in customer service.

**TALKING HEAD – KELLY**

KELLY is in tears.

KELLY  
Michael is a _jerk_! He's even worse than Chase, even though Michael never did anything like flirting with Allie and Taylor at the same time, or hooking up with Chrissy behind Clay's back, or being the enemy of a hottie like Grant, but —

**END TALKING HEAD**

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY.

PAM  
It just isn't a good idea, Michael.

MICHAEL  
Oh, come on! It'll be awesome! It's just like the stuff _we_ used to do in high school!

PHYLLIS  
But we _never_ did that in high school.

MICHAEL  
Oh, how would you know, Phyl_-lis_? You weren't part of the cool crowd.

PHYLLIS glares at him.

MEREDITH  
But, Michael, this kind of thing could get everyone here into a lot of trouble.

MICHAEL  
Well, you know what? Trouble should be our new middle name. Dunder Trouble Mifflin. It'll be perfect.

PHYLLIS  
Michael, you don't understand. Laurie wouldn't be interested in this.

MICHAEL  
Oh, I bet she acts all sweet and innocent around you, but once we get her here, she'll let loose and prove you wrong. She'll be asking, "Hey, why don't we do _this_? It'll be fun!" That's exactly what she'll ask! You hear me, Phyllis? You'll be wrong! _Now get moving!_

He storms out of the conference room and slams the door.

MEREDITH  
So . . . should we do it?

A hesitation before all three of the women shudder.

**TALKING HEAD – PHYLLIS**

PHYLLIS  
Um . . . I'd rather not say.

**TALKING HEAD – PAM**

PAM  
It's not important.

**TALKING HEAD – MEREDITH**

MEREDITH  
The less you know, the happier you'll be.

**TALKING HEAD – MICHAEL**

MICHAEL  
It really wasn't that . . . oh, forget it.

**END TALKING HEAD**


	7. Three Cases of the Usual

**SCENE 6**

INT. RECEPTION DESK. DAY.

MICHAEL walks over to the desk with a small Ziploc bag full of something. After making sure no one is looking, he quietly shoves the jellybeans into his pockets and replaces them with the contents of the bag. He then runs back to his office. At that moment, PAM leaves the break room and sits behind the desk without noticing anything different. JIM walks over and is about to remove a jellybean when it hits him.

JIM  
What are these?

PAM responds without looking up from her keyboard.

PAM  
What are what?

JIM  
These things in your jellybean box.

PAM  
Aren't they jellybeans?

She looks up. JIM pulls out something: a jawbreaker. They stare at it before bursting into laughter.

PAM  
He's really pulling out all the stops, isn't he?

JIM  
I have to say, this is definitely one of his dumber ideas.

He suddenly snaps his head up.

JIM  
Ow!

He rubs the back of his neck. He and PAM turn to see MICHAEL holding a handful of jellybeans, then pointing to his eyes and back at JIM.

INT. PHOTOCOPIER. DAY.

ANGELA is making a copy when DWIGHT casually approaches. They speak stiffly without looking at each other.

DWIGHT  
Ms. Martin.

ANGELA  
Mr. Schrute.

DWIGHT  
I see you're making copies.

ANGELA  
Indeed.

DWIGHT  
Will you be staying home tomorrow as per Michael's request?

ANGELA  
It remains a possibility.

DWIGHT  
I believe you should continue to maintain your flawless attendance record.

ANGELA  
I may. There are other factors that may keep me at home, besides the arrival of the youth.

DWIGHT  
I strongly believe you should ignore them.

ANGELA  
_I_ strongly believe this is none of your concern.

ANDY appears out of nowhere.

ANDY  
Heyyyy, Ange. I was thinking maybe tonight, I could come over and we could play with Sprinkles II after the game. I just love that little —

ANGELA grabs him and almost forces her tongue down his throat. ANDY is surprised, but he sure isn't complaining. DWIGHT looks as if he is about to rip them apart. ANGELA then pushes ANDY away and goes back to her desk, with a triumphant smirk in DWIGHT's direction. ANDY stands there, open-mouthed. A grin breaks out on his face.

ANDY  
I always knew she was totally freaky.

He walks away, whistling. DWIGHT slowly places his piece of paper into the copier, then slams the top down.

INT. MEREDITH'S DESK. DAY.

MEREDITH is on the phone.

MEREDITH  
Hey, Dusty, it's Meredith. (beat) I know, I know, two days, no call. Listen, could I get three cases of the usual, plus some of that stuff you got me to try on Thanksgiving? (beat) Yeah, just drop it off at the back door. (beat) Thanks, Dusty, you're a pal. (beat) OK. Later.

**TALKING HEAD – MEREDITH**

MEREDITH  
_No_, actually, I volunteered to order some booze for tomorrow, when the new kid shows up. I think it counts as supplier relations. And even if it wasn't for me, it wouldn't be any of your business, (beep)face.

She gets up and walks away.

**END TALKING HEAD**


End file.
